Blood, Guts and Total Relaxation

I hope your Monday is going better than mine.

Over the weekend, Halston and I decided to catch up on seasons five and six of The Walking Dead (best eight hours of my life) in order to be able to watch last night’s episode (spoilers ahead… kind of).

I’ve lost a lot of sleep since then and I might have to take a temporary leave of absence from work to deal with the pain and heartbreak I’m currently going through. How am I expected to function in these conditions? I keep replaying the scene in my head and listening to Wiz Khalifa’s See You Again on repeat, analyzing the situation from every angle. Is he truly gone? Was that his blood and guts? My one solace is that they didn’t show his body on The Talking Dead so maybe, just maybe…

Life was a lot easier when you were delivering pizza, wasn’t it Glenn?

On to a less somber subject…

I’ve woken up the past few nights with muscle cramps on my left calf and wishing I could afford an on-call masseuse to love on my legs.

During our honeymoon at The BodyHoliday (cue giggles), we were treated to daily massages and treatments that spoiled us and made us worse people (jokes).

The Wellness Centre was located on the top of a hill, with steep steps leading the way to total relaxation (they really made you work for the treatments). I could not keep track of the dozens of times Halston and I almost ate it going up the steps, tripping over our own two feet. But it was worth it.

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Can’t even tell we are out of breath.

List of treatments:

1. Skin Consultation: Our first stop was at the resort’s skin clinic for a free consultation of my dermis and epidermis. I learned that my face is dehydrated and that I need to exfoliate twice a week. Could be worse.

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The moment I found out my skin sucks.

2. Hydrotheraphy: “This is a filtered seawater treatment. Seawater contains calcium, phosphorous and sodium ions, which are absorbed through the skin by using massage jets and specific series of fun exercises to increase blood circulation, stimulate muscle tone and aid weight loss.” It is advised that female guests wear a one-piece swim suit because once those jets hit you, there goes your top and out come the girls.

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3. Far infrared treatment: This was the weirdest one of all. We were taken to a sitting area with some seats that heat up and apparently it works similar to a sauna. They told us that sitting there for 30 minutes can burn up to 600 calories, but I’m not buying it. If that’s the case, I’m replacing all the chairs in my house with those.

4. Aromatheraphy: “Aromatherapy oils are massaged into the skin helping to increase circulation and bring a profound sense of calmness, relaxation and equilibrium to the entire, body, mind, emotions and spirit.”

5. Deluxe Coconut & Spice Combo: “This invigorating massage encompasses a range of powerful massage movements using local Organic Coconut Oil and Spices. You will be seated in a special chair to work exclusively on the back, neck, shoulders and scalp to alleviate pain caused by stress.” Bonus: I got to see some side boob action and Halston accidentally caught a glimpse of a girl’s boobs.

6. Lucian Lime & Ginger Scrub: “Exfoliation ritual to invigorate and bring vitality to the body. After a light body brushing, warm oil is drizzled sparingly over the body and then lime and ginger is used to cleanse and polish the skin.” The therapist began by rubbing my arms and legs with a boar brush which felt a bit like I was being rubbed with my dog’s hairbrush, but by then I had so many mosquito bites on my body that I would’ve welcomed the idea of rubbing a cactus all over myself.

7. Full Body Massage: “These massages are based on Swedish Massage techniques using medium pressure and aromatherapy oils.” For this massage, Halston and I were in separate rooms. I chose the Serenity Massage which was similar to the Aromatherapy session and Halston chose the more intense option which promotes healthier circulation.

Halston (as we are leaving the massage): “Was it weird when the lady massaged your privates?”

Me: “WHAT?!”

Halston: LOL

8. Elemis All Sin Type Facial: “Your therapist will prescribe the correct facial to suit your skin type that will leave the skin with a radiant glow; whether your concern is congestion, sensitivity, dehydration, aging or sun damage. Gentlemen are asked to shave 3 hours prior to the facial.”

The treatments were excellent and I fell asleep during most of them, which if you’re a normal person shouldn’t matter much, but it’s me (i.e.: Not Normal). My legs twitched, I snored and I talked in my sleep. Halston dubbed me “The Resort Narcoleptic” and said that the therapists seemed elated when they got to massage me; probably because they were going to get a good story out of it.

The therapists asked us to wash off the oils they used after every treatment before going out in the sun because our skins would cook. On the last day I apparently did a less than stellar job in washing off (pig) and my face ended up dry and splotchy for a few days, so I apologize if you had to look at my face last week.

How are you coping with last night’s episode of TWD? Want to go get a massage later and we can talk about it?

xx

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